Wednesday, July 18, 2012

SOUTHERN & FINDING OUT IM #HIV

IF YOU ARE DIAGNOSED WITH HIV?  IT CAN FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE LOST A FRIEND OR A FAMILY MEMBER!  WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED 30 YEARS AGO I REMEMBER CRYING & MY HEART HURT SO BAD! I FELT I HAD LOST EVERYTHING; LIFE,LOVE,HAPPINESS,BODY & SOUL .. I WAS LUCKY I HAD A LADY WITH ME THAT LET ME CRY ALL DAY ON AND OFF UNTIL I SLOWED DOWN BUT MY HEART HURT FELT BROKEN LIKE I HAD HAD A HEART ATTACK!  WHEN WE ARE DIAGNOSED WITH ANY LIFE CHANGING DISEASE WE ALWAYS FEEL A LOSS. I WAS SO LUCKY I HAD JUST GOTTEN SOBER  & CLEAN! BUT MOST ARE NOT AT THIS STAGE WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEIR HIV STATUS . SOME ARE NOT THINKING WITH COPING SKILLS , ITS MORE LIKE THEY THINK THEY ARE THINKING HOW CAN I NUMB THE PAIN OR FORGET THIS TRAUMATIC EVENT WITH GETTING DRUNK OR HIGH! BUT ONCE YOU GET PAST THIS YOU SEE YOUR STILL HERE & STILL HIV. SO YOU ASK WHAT DO I DO NOW? WHICH DIRECTION DO I GO WITH MY LIFE DO I JUST GO AHEAD AND DIE OR SHOULD I LIVE AND FIGHT? HOW ARE PEOPLE GOING TO TREAT ME? CAN PEOPLE TELL I HAVE HIV? DO I TELL MY FAMILY? MY PARTNER IF I HAVE ONE? AM I A FILTHY PERSON? HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO LIVE? I STILL HAVE TO WORK! WILL THE MEDS WORK FOR ME? WILL THEY MAKE ME SICK? WILL I BE LOVED EVER AGAIN? NO ONE WILL WANT ME! WILL I BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN? ……                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             WELL IT CAN HURT A ALLOTS! WHEN I HAD GOTTEN PAST MY FIRST STAGE OF NEWLY DIAGNOSES , I ASKED WHAT NOW? WELL FOR ME I WENT THROUGH UPS & DOWNS UPS & DOWNS OF MORNING LOSS LIKE I HAD LOST MY BEST FRIEND! THAT LASTED 6 MONTHS THEN I JUST WOKE UP LIKE IT WAS BRIGHT AND SUNNY ONE DAY! I THOUGHT TO MYSELF WHAT DO I DO NOW? ONE THOUGHT CAME TO MY MIND I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO! BUT SOBER & CLEAN…DO YOU KNOW THE "SAYING STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES" CAME TO MIND. I STARTED SEEING THE WORLD IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT. THE SUN WAS BEAUTIFUL, THE SKY WAS BLUE THAN I REMEMBERED, SUNRISES I THOUGHT WERE SHOWING OFF JUST FOR ME! GREEN LEAVES SEEMED GREENER! WOW, HAD THEY ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS? BUT REMEMBER I WAS REALISTIC TO BEING NEW IN RECOVERY. HAD TO KEEP FROM SETTING ON A WOBBLY PEDESTAL & NOT FALLING BACK INTO DRUGS & ALC USE AGAIN. NOT TO SAY I TRIPPED LIKE 2 TIMES BUT THEN I'M LIKE I GOTTA LOVE THIS BODY OF MINE! I HAVE TO NOT MAKE HIV MAD. BECAUSE I FELT IT WAS A BEING LIVING IN ME COHABITATION, SO WE HAD TO GET ALONG IF I DID ANYTHING “HIV” WOULD GET UPSET THEN I WOULD PAY FOR IT BY GETTING SICK…………                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        GRATITUDE, BECAME A HUGE WORD IN MY VOCABULARY. FIRST I HAD TO ASK MYSELF WHAT AM I GRATEFUL FOR? HERE I AM AN ADDICT IN RECOVERY, I HAVE THE TERRIBLE “BUG” “HIV” BIG QUESTION WHAT NOW?        THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF MY STORY I WILL GO BACK & FORTH BECAUSE MY MEMORY ISN’T LIKE IT USE TO BE, HOPE YOU STICK WITH MY ON THIS JOURNEY. ASK ME QUESTIONS I AM HERE TO PASS ON HOPE FOR ALL OF YOU NEW OR OLD TIME POZ PEEPS!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             TOM THE POZ  LONG-TERM SURVIVOR.                         " IT'S NOT OVER "       
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