Thursday, November 14, 2013

A Man's Guide To Celibacy

A Man's Guide To Celibacy

Tired of being treated like a rag doll by the opposite sex? Have you had enough of women discarding you like a three of clubs during a hand of stud poker?

Then I hereby present you with the solution; a surefire way of dealing with the downside of being born with the ability to pee standing up. This is the answer to the books on understanding the weaker sex and seminars on how to pick them up.

doing it single-handedly
The word is celibacy. Hold on though; I don't simply mean the kind that Bible-belt lobbyists try peddling on the steps of Washington and Saturday morning television. I'm talking about hardcore, serious singleness. I'm talking about that blessed lifestyle that allows you to live your life as you intend without having it dictated by some boob.

You think I'm messing with you? You think I'm a mean-spirited stranger dangling an impossible dream before you? Well, read on.

You're woken up by a nagging voice five minutes before your alarm goes off. You'd sincerely like to use the bathroom but its access is denied to you for a full forty-five minutes. Your clothes are clean but the coffee is cold.

It's your turn to cook but you can't choose the menu. There you have it... oh wait a minute; that was meant for that other article about living in chains under feminine autocracy. Nevertheless, I'm certain you get the point.

not a single drawback
The advantages of celibacy are manifold. No more having to lay low every twenty-eight days. No more having to decipher hidden meanings every time a question is asked. No more listening to hour-long dissertations on the difference between off-white and eggshell. No more salads and fat-free desserts. As William Wallace so boldly shouted in Braveheart : "Freedom!"

You do what you want when you want. You have the opportunity to offer a smile and a wink to the foxy waitress who's been eyeballing you all evening, if you feel so inclined. Wearing the same pair of underwear for several days before changing is allowed (although I don't recommend it). Canned goods can now unrestrictedly constitute a wholesome meal.

it can be great
I understand that some of you regard this as an unfortunate phase of loserdom . You feel trapped in this state of affairs although you try your damnedest to alter this condition. But if you change the mental frame you're in, you can flip this whole boat around.

You're not lonely; you are selective. If you don't have a girlfriend it's because you're independent. The important thing is to believe that you're voluntarily single.

Things you don't want to be doing when practicing celibacy?

Spending the majority of your time on the Internet.
Tip: when you start getting turned on by handles such as CyberBarbie and SexxyLarry, log the hell off.

Visiting a house of loose morals on a more-than-regular basis; unless you own it.
Somehow, it sends out a bad image. No one knows why.

Sniffing panties in public.
This one also applies for those not practicing the fine art of celibacy. Big no-no.

It's all about having a good time...

it's fun, fun, fun
It feels like I'm taking every fun thing away, doesn't it? Have no fear; the best is yet to come. You get to go out with the boys. You get to go to singles bars. You get to cruise college campuses for fresh, young co-eds.

The idea behind this celibacy thing is to put yourself on the market, to allow females to see you as an independent, suave breeder. Available men are a dime a dozen. Unattainable men are the most attractive (according to the three Hooters girls I've scientifically interviewed for the benefit of this article), which is exactly what you will become.

As a celibate male, you should display yourself as a rare find. Why? So you can be hit on. So you can turn women down; such is the goal. Have you ever wondered what turning down a beautiful woman would feel like? That's right, it's your time to become a bush-teaser. It's our time.

smackdown 24/7
You will also be able to participate in engrossing games of "Crash & Burn." Think of the hours of pleasure you could spend walking up to women and uttering the dumbest pickup lines imaginable! You will get slapped silly, but you will love me for it. It all might prove difficult, but cold showers are an inestimable asset. The trick is to be strong, remain focused, and think a whole lot about fishing.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You have the insuppressible urge to ask me: "Steve, oh Steve, how do you achieve such an educated level of Zen celibacy?" Don't worry; I get that a lot. Here is the answer:

1) Drive to the nearest mall;
2) Visit an optometrist and ask about the models from a few decades ago;
3) Walk by Ben & Jerry's and buy a gallon of your favorite flavor;
4) Stop washing.

Now that you've got ugly eyeglasses, and you're fat, dirty and smelly, your chances of succeeding at remaining celibate are more than good.

a matter of practice
Trust me, it took me years of trial and error, but I finally mastered it. After religiously following this advice, I dare you to return home accompanied after an intense session of mate hunting. Believe the master. Or more to the point: don't believe me. Try it for yourself.

Years of experience have taught me that it takes a full array of skills to remain celibate in this era of ever-present temptation. Fending women off will be a problem of the past, no more of
those pesky date expenses. Men, take control of your destiny! Oh Lord, who am I kidding?

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/50b_dating_advice.html
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