Friday, November 8, 2013

SAVAGE LOVE by Dan Savage November 6, 2013

I'm a bisexual or pansexual or omnisexual—or whatever the kids are calling us these days—woman in a monogamish marriage to a great, GGG straight man. Both of us are in our early 30s. Since getting married, we've traveled around the world and done whatever the hell we wanted. It was a crazy exciting life, but we decided it was time to stop living paycheck to paycheck, so we came back to the States.
We recently bought a house, and we were planning to have a kid next year. But now my husband says that he's not ready. He says there are things he wants to do that he will never ever get to do if we have kids now. I asked him for a time frame, and he said that he couldn't answer that. What he has said to me is: "We've always said we'd never be one of those couples that stop adventuring because we have a nest and kids and stuff." This might be a deal breaker for me. I want to be a mom. I'm ready. I don't want my husband to feel resentment that he never got to live the life he wanted—more travel? More crazy sexual adventures?—because I stuck him with a kid, but at the same time, he can't even give me a time frame. I love him dearly. He's my best friend, he's hot, he's a wonderful person and funny as hell. They don't make many men like him. What should I do?
Childless H
First, get to a couples counselor.
Second, relay this message to your husband from me: Travel and adventure—sexual and otherwise—don't have to stop after you become parents. They do become more difficult, logistically speaking, and you won't be able to go adventuring on impulse anymore. But you can have adventures, dude, as a couple and as individuals. (It's good for married people, including parents, to spend time apart.) It's true, however, that most parents do stop adventuring—but that's usually because they were ready to stop adventuring or they weren't that adventurous in the first place. You can do it differently. Pro tip: It's easier to make time for adventuring if you have one kid. And traveling with a small child—even taking off to live in a foreign country for a year or two—is a lot easier than Parentlandia propaganda would have you believe. You're an adventurous person—you and your wife are adventurous people—and adventurous people can choose to be adventurous parents.
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